Come Alive

December 15, 2010

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

~ Howard Thurman

Mixed Up and Annoyed

December 14, 2010

I'm a bit mixed up today. And this blog just added to it. I posted a rather lengthy entry yesterday and for some mysterious reason...it has vanished. Where did it go??? Annoying. Really annoying. Okay so I'm easily irritated you may think but I actually kinda liked it...dare I say, was proud of it.

What's interesting is that in my search around my blog looking for the lost post I discovered a post that I had drafted back in August and never published. The words are eerily similar to my current state of flux. Here is the old post:

"I'm feeling rather introspective today. It's the kind of increased introspection that even for someone who thrives on the defining characteristics of introspection--examining ideas, thoughts and feelings-- is actually disconcerting. I guess for all my work with Barb (Jungian analyst) coupled with my work outside of her office I still carry the notion that I should be, you know, somehow more likely to fit into the culture I live in even if I don't really want to fit into said culture. I mean the whole idea of individuation is to become who you are regardless of cultural norms. Consequently to be fully alive is to know and understand yourself so deeply and to live that understanding despite any backlash from family, friends and culture. Yet that recognition doesn't make the process any less difficult. I still carry a bit of longing to just. fit. in. That's all.

My disconcerting feelings today stem from the cyclical nature that has me circling back around certain complexes again and again. Feeling the frustration that I have become captive of the emotional energy hovering around the feelings the complex has stirred in me."

While the words have some pertinence to my current state of mind and seem to provide me some odd sense of comfort regarding the incredible persistence of my complexes, the "old" post is not the whole story. But for now, in this moment, the description above will suffice. Yes, this is enough Mary. This is enough.

Free Time

Is there such a thing as free time? I mean truly time to be free to be who you are, say what you feel and love like you want? I'm not sure anymore. After all I am only one thought away from my mental to do list. Why am I still sitting here painting anyways? There are real things that need to be done. And I'm pretty sure sitting on my porch and pondering my dreams isn't one of them either. But why is that? Why is daydreaming, creative pursuits and loving/laughing with family and friends relegated to the bottom of the day's list of priorities? Why do we have to put those things on hold until the daily checklist has been completed? Which of course means those truly wonderful, inspiring, life giving moments are squandered on a daily basis.

I am learning on a daily basis to let go. To surrender to life. To follow my soul's yearnings. And not my ego's demands for routine and maintaining the status quo. Sometimes I feel like I'm being led kicking and screaming. "Oh not again", I say to myself, "not now. I just want the comfort of this daily list of chores, then maybe some 'relaxation' time in front of the TV (that counts for family bonding time doesn't it?). Other days I feel freer than I thought was humanly possible. Expansive. Exuberant. Vital. ALIVE. Like an unbridled, wild horse. Or a pelican skimming the surface of the ocean.

And that is what keeps me going. My journey truly is my home. My life is always in flux, changing, but it is where my soul resides that counts. Running through the meadow like the horse. My free time matters more than I could possibly have imagined.

Sunday Mornings

Sunday mornings with my hubby (Joe btw) often have the feel of a spiritual experience. Notice I said often...we are still a married couple and well, they can't all feel spiritual. (And there are some who might say those Sundays when we are less than spiritually connected are perhaps more rich with the possibility of understanding and increased personal awareness.) Fortunately for me, for us, this Sunday is not one of those Sundays where I have to learn something the hard way. We are enjoying coffee, conversation (both light conversation--hey let me tell you about my dream last night and deep--hey let me tell you about my dream last night). And if any of you have spent time trying to understand yourself better through the lens of Jungian theory/analysis--you know that a conversation about said dream can be both of those options. But I digress.

So, anyways, as I was sitting here with Joe discussing the contents of his trek into the unconscious last night (dream), I once again was aware of the wondrous, mysterious nature of our connection. It is a connection that seems to transcend all the trivial routines and 'autopilot' dialogue which necessarily occurs throughout the week. In return for our commitment to attend to this important connection on these quiet mornings (usually commencing at 7am and lasting several hours) we reap the benefits of communion not only with each other but also with the Source that has provided us with the opportunity!

Oh in case you're curious about the pics, our communion time also can include some yummy homemade vegan bakery like blueberry banana bread or mini donuts.

Beginnings

Beginnings are a funny thing sometimes. Almost as quickly as I started this blog waaaaayyy back in February I decided it was too narrowly focused and consequently felt the need to find the ever elusive 'perfect' blog title and theme (the word perfect is the bane of my creative cravings if ever there was one!). So after several other blog attempts and countless lists of possible names, followed by evenings spent musing over all the choices in search of capturing the BEST, most wonderful and well, perfect title and theme...here I am. Isn't it just so darned ironic and actually quite unbelievably perfect that I would end up where I started with my initial blog titled My Journey is My Home. So like me...so frustratingly, crazily me. Turns out "not good enough" is in fact, good enough for me.

I do love beginnings though. The start of something new. Transitions. Transformation. Creating. So lusciously filled with anticipation, hope, desire. A spark of vital energy and exuberant joy flickering to consciousness. The merging of known and unknown. The mystery of what the beginning will bring to the journey of life as it buds, then flowers into experience. A break from the mundane, routinized aspects of living. I am ready to begin right now. Today. Being who I am. A big transition. An exciting, wondrous opportunity to live as fully as I know how to be.

This blog is my starting point. My beginning. I'm loving it already!

Welcome! I'm so glad you came to take a look at my blog...my journey...my home. I am a 40 something Midwestern woman. A seeker. A sassy woman with a wild, gypsy soul.

My hope is to create a space that is honest and authentic. A space that peers deep within for answers not easily discerned through the lens of cultural norms and in the process discover not only what sustains me but also what wants to come alive! My desire is to articulate my process of Self discovery by openly sharing my personal reflections of Jungian analysis as it intersects with my everyday life.

My blog will chronicle this amazingly wondrous journey of branching out beyond the stifling constructs I have lived by and instead living as openly and as soulfully as is possible!

Thanks for stopping by! I hope you'll take a few minutes every so often in the coming months to see what's happening... And in the process find something useful for your own journey.

Mary