December 14, 2010I'm a bit mixed up today. And this blog just added to it. I posted a rather lengthy entry yesterday and for some mysterious reason...it has vanished. Where did it go??? Annoying. Really annoying. Okay so I'm easily irritated you may think but I actually kinda liked it...dare I say, was proud of it.
What's interesting is that in my search around my blog looking for the lost post I discovered a post that I had drafted back in August and never published. The words are eerily similar to my current state of flux. Here is the old post:
"I'm feeling rather introspective today. It's the kind of increased introspection that even for someone who thrives on the defining characteristics of introspection--examining ideas, thoughts and feelings-- is actually disconcerting. I guess for all my work with Barb (Jungian analyst) coupled with my work outside of her office I still carry the notion that I should be, you know, somehow more likely to fit into the culture I live in even if I don't really want to fit into said culture. I mean the whole idea of individuation is to become who you are regardless of cultural norms. Consequently to be fully alive is to know and understand yourself so deeply and to live that understanding despite any backlash from family, friends and culture. Yet that recognition doesn't make the process any less difficult. I still carry a bit of longing to just. fit. in. That's all.
My disconcerting feelings today stem from the cyclical nature that has me circling back around certain complexes again and again. Feeling the frustration that I have become captive of the emotional energy hovering around the feelings the complex has stirred in me."
While the words have some pertinence to my current state of mind and seem to provide me some odd sense of comfort regarding the incredible persistence of my complexes, the "old" post is not the whole story. But for now, in this moment, the description above will suffice. Yes, this is enough Mary. This is enough.
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