How Long Have I Been Sleeping?

January 5, 2011

Well! I know I said at the end of the last post that I would be back later with examples. And
I will eventually get to the nitty gritty details of the growth and changes that occurred during 2010 in an upcoming post. However I am compelled to write about my recent definitive acceptance as an ex Christian. There. I've said it. Out loud.

You see I have been struggling with my spiritual beliefs for a very long time and rather intensely the past few years in analysis. I have some very conservative siblings who believe that I am going to hell along with everyone else who is "not saved". Suffice it to say, Christianity has messed me up for more than thirty years. Thirty flippin' years...Yikes! It is sobering to realize my spiritual beliefs have been held hostage for that long.

But the truth is after much soul searching and struggle I have come to the conclusion that I no longer consider myself a Christian. I don't believe that Jesus died for my sins. What about God? Do I believe in God? Not sure what the term "god" means to me but I do believe in a creative energy or "Source". The fact is I can't know the answers to the deep questions and I am okay in this moment to live with the mystery. The ambiguity no longer terrifies me. I don't need to have absolute answers to unanswerable questions.

I am comfortably at peace with my beliefs even though I still carry the vestiges of that old baggage. Thankfully though the emotional load has diminished substantially. What stops me from allowing others to know this very personal part of who I am is quite simply fear. Years of Christian conditioning along with personal feelings of being different (and feeling like an outsider anyways) have continually tempered my desire to allow others to honestly know me. Heck even our Western cultural thought process has us believe it is shameful to be anything other than Christian...I mean, how could I not believe what has been handed down to each successive (albeit unconscious) generation and consequently drilled into my own head since I learned to speak?

I have been asked if I am still a Christian by a few people during my years of struggle. The question invariably surfaced when I felt compelled to share little tidbits of my gripes about religion. The question scared me. I knew the answer deep within yet I felt the need to reassure THEM--and tell them what they needed to hear. Seriously? At the expense of my own well being I soothed their fears. No longer. Growth and a subsequent stronger core have equipped me well to manage my own feelings now. I have begun to tell others that I am not a Christian. And ya know what? It has been liberating. I feel freer each time I share more of who I am. Acceptance and peace have been the natural byproducts of speaking my truth. What a delightful, unexpected surprise.

My work in analysis, my readings on my own and paying attention to my life and choices have all enabled me to step through this very important threshold. And as I stop and gaze at the landscape of this foreign land, I am full of wonder and awe. Humbled and excited. All at once. I am breathing in new air and it is invigorating. I have exhaled the staleness of my old self in order to allow the fullest breath of my authentic Self to fill my lungs and as a result vitalize my life. Shedding my religious hangups has created more breathing space for new opportunities. I have settled into the experience as it unfolds. The meaning is all around me and within me. My journey truly is my home.