Fear of Flying

January 13, 2011

So as I mentioned in my 'Reflections' post, 2010 saw me wrestle with some significant personal demons. I defeated two in one trip.

The dragon I will expound on now is rather common...fear of flying. Certainly there are many people who have an actual phobia that keeps them on terra firma. That is not me. But it really could have been had I not pushed myself. I have begun to travel more (yet another victory) and have always needed xanax and an inflight cocktail to 'get me through' the flight. I'm not someone who needs xanax to help me through life but instead I use it for airline travel. I will say though that I do not pass judgment on others who may need to use if more frequently. Believe me I do have compassion. (I also feel that had I not been working with an analyst all these years I am sure that I would be on a maintenance dose of something.)

What made this personal demon so significant in its defeat was that in order to conquer it I was going to have to fly by myself while making several connections in order to eventually arrive in Turks & Caicos for my niece's wedding. Five months before the flights I was already nervous and apprehensive. I'm going to do what? Are you kidding? But I didn't want to miss the wedding or the opportunity to see a tropical paradise. And anyways, the trip was five looong months away. As the months passed and the date of departure was getting closer however I began to feel increasing anxiety. The battle lines within were drawn. "I can't do this. I don't want to do this without someone on the plane with me. How can I get out of this?", said the 'old' familiar voice. The other, less familiar, but likeable voice nonetheless tried to convince me otherwise with statements like, "wow, how incredibly exciting this is going to be! What a challenge. A great opportunity for growth. Remember Jung's great line--"we all live in shoes too small". Anxiety is normal. You'll be fine..."

Yes I heard both sides. Some days would find me siding with the old me. The frightened, worry wart. Yes, the bordering on OCD worry wart. Obsessing about every possible worst case scenario over and over. I mean I practically had myself dead and buried and wondering how my family was going to survive without me. Ugh! I am too much even for me to handle at times! Fortunately only Joe and Barb are privy to the true extent of this part of me. (And well, now any random people reading this!). Other days I would amaze myself with my confidence--almost palpably feeling my expanding sense of Self emerging and triumphantly exclaiming to the negative mother complex within--"I listened to you long enough. I've got this one." It would feel so good. I wanted to live in that space forever and ever. It felt intoxicating because it was so new and so unbelievably calming and peaceful and exciting. And then almost as quickly I would crawl back into my comfort zone. Oh how many times has Barb reminded me about how hard it is to change? Invariably she would follow it up with...and that's why so few people follow through with significant life changes. And in this particular circumstance I understood my comfort zone--the status quo of my life--provided me the safety net that would keep me free from experiencing the necessary anxiety that accompanies growth.

This drama. This battle. This crazy dialogue just went on & on & on. Save me from myself someone please! I knew that there was no way to "get out" of going on the trip...the money spent on tickets was enough of an incentive to trudge forward despite the inner terror. I also knew on some level that I would be very disappointed in myself had I retreated back to safety and comfort. So much internal work had prepared me for this moment. I felt confident enough in the weeks leading up to the trip that I knew I would go. But the anxiety was intense to say the least.

Strangely enough in the few days prior to departure I experienced a calmness and an actual excitement for going! I felt peaceful. I can't explain it. If I were religious I would call it a blessing. Whatever one would call it I was grateful to be liberated from the extra, unnecessary stress of worrying about catastrophic airline crashes...or of me having a panic attack in flight d/t said worry!

The feeling all but disappeared on D-Day. 27 October 2010. Time for departure. Departure from old worn inner ways of being to new, exciting, soaring ventures into the unknown yet growing parts of myself. The threshold moment was here. I dropped Joey (my 15 year old son) off at school. I couldn't hide my tears. I cried saying goodbye. Suffice it to say, fear bordering on internal terror has been a major block to my growth. Sadly, I had been stuck there my whole life. That is until very recently. Vital energy had been returning to me as a gift for my persistence in examining and understanding the blocks that have kept me stuck and the associated lifelong patterns that kept me so closeted. So closed off from truly living my life. Hard, hard work. Painful at times. But! Incredible peace, joy and liberation awaited me on the 'other side'.

The experience of stepping onto Flight from Clv to Chi is surreal in retrospect. I was on my way. Mixed with the feelings of fear and anxiety described above was the budding seedlings of something new and at the time undefined. I knew that I was flying to a tropical paradise both literally and figuratively...and I didn't want to miss the opportunity. I followed through this time.

I got on the plane. I made it to Chicago. I manuevered my way through O'Hare unremarkably. Got on my flight to Miami and then onto Turks & Caicos. I met interesting, supportive people all along the way. I could not have imagined it to be so exhilerating--and I hadn't even seen Turks yet!

By the time I left Turks and flew to Miami, JFK and finally arriving in CLV I found I did not need my xanax or my wine! I was comfortable with my anxiety. I could not believe it!! What a victory!

Yes I had arrived. I was and continue to be humbled by the experience.