The Flow of Emotions

June 13, 2011

A Song of Being Empty

A certain sufi tore his robe in grief,
and the tearing brought such relief,

he gave the robe the name faraji,
which means ripped open, or happiness,
or one who brings the joy of being opened.

It comes from the stem faraj, which also
refers to the genitals, male and female.

His teacher understood the purity
of the action, while others
just saw the ragged appearance.

If you want peace and purity,
tear away your coverings.

This is the purpose of emotion, to let
a streaming beauty flow through you.

Call it spirit, elixir, or the original
agreement between yourself and God.

Opening into that gives peace,
a song of being empty,
pure silence.

Rumi

Such beautiful words! 

Tearing away the mask, the persona, the facade. 

Bringing down the walls I have built around my heart.

I believed those walls were protecting me, insulating me from pain

Yet all the while they were really creating darkness, 

keeping the light out.
Of my heart.

I hid behind the walls to cope with day to day life.

It was the only way I knew to be.

This poem shows another way.

A way that is full of the richness of life.

Allowing the expression, the flow of emotions.

"This is the purpose of emotions..."

"...To let a streaming beauty flow through you"
Streaming beauty...how simple and inspiring...

Tearing down the walls, ripping open the 'cloak'
releases the beauty that has been there all along.

By accepting and allowing the flow

brings peace, pure silence, God.

...my heart is full and hollow... 

Faith vs. Fear

 May 22, 2011

http://www.owningpink.com/blogs/owning-pink/the-war-faith-vs-fear

I read this post by Lissa Rankin at Owning Pink. I so understand her struggle. I am in the midst of the same internal war...yet feeling a strange sense of peace just like Lissa described.

It is immensely validating to read the stories of others and know I am not alone. That there are others feeling it, living it, just like me...

This is what is missing in my everyday life...women who are forging ahead towards deep, authentic living and being.

Another bit of inspiration...yes!

Sweet Little Leila

May 21, 2011

My daughter and son-in-law are in town from NYC for a wedding. And that means I get to spend time with their dog, little Leila (pronounced Lay-la). I love her sweet, sweet energy so much. She soothes my soul.

Lovely Lockets

 May 19, 2011

I found these wonderful lockets over at Etsy. They are made by Liz Lamoreux. Loved them. So I bought one. I like the simplicity of the necklaces as well as the messages inside the lockets.  I like having the reminder "I am Enough" so close to my heart!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/67331877/i-am-enough-a-whispered-soul-mantra

Winds of Change

May 16, 2011

"It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living." -Eckhart Tolle

It has been a while since I last posted. Too long.

Probably a little fear of putting my thoughts and feelings 'out there'.

Yet I feel like the flow, the current, is shifting.

I'm feelin' more confident letting others see more of me. 

Can be a mixed bag though. This change thing. There is tension to hold in the process.

Sittin' in that place somewhere between comfort and safety and new, wild energy.

Hard to hold. I vacillate between the two.

I'm experiencing these changes in attitude in some pretty big areas too.

Like my career as a nurse and where I live and the kind of friends I want to be around.

But it boils down pretty simply--I. have. changed. And the change is out there. The people in my daily life have noticed.

Okaaayyy.. Where does that leave me exactly?? It leaves me feeling like I am in a foreign land.

I have been traveling down this twisting, turning psychic highway for a very long time.

I've questioned everything I ever assumed to be true about me along the way.

And I have to say I was pretty darn tired of identifying with the persona I created over the years. The false self. The person that functioned well but doesn't even resemble me in the slightest way.

It's been like, 'hey, what if I just live and breathe in the moment instead of trying to BE something in that moment'. Especially something I'm not.

More and more I'm doin' it. I'm putting it all out there. Here I am...

But friends and family have other ideas. They expect me to be the Mary I have 'always been'. In both good and bad ways. Interesting.

 I can't. As crazy as it sounds I don't even know how to do the old me too well anymore.

That's progress. I sense the change in energy. In the dynamics of my relationships.

Others' perception of me just doesn't jive with who I actually am. 

It is making them uncomfortable. And they don't seem to get it.

 This is me.

It's like the line at the end of the old TV show "To Tell the Truth"--Will the real Mary please stand up".

And when I do...well, just like the show, most everyone looks shocked!

All I can say is that it is coming from the most grounded, centered place. Deep.

 Ultimately that is so much more meaningful than the comfort of my warm, fuzzy blanket--aka,  the favorable opinion and acceptance of friends and family.

 Plumbing the interior depths of me has brought forth exciting creativity. Painting, drawing, writing. In turn those very creative endeavors help to keep me connected to that source of wisdom. And they keep me sane!

 I love my life. I am grateful for it.

But I love what is happening.

I'm goin' with it. It's me.

It feels good. It feels so right.

I am out of the comfort zone...feeling the anticipation, the hunger, the joy, the terror...and the peace.

The peace that comes from knowing I am enough and always have been.

It doesn't matter if I stumble. If I fail. I have always been and always will be enough.

That is a wonderful new interior space to dwell in!

Love & Mystery

 February 19, 2011

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6631954

Thank you Richard Rohr. His words succinctly describe my own spiritual journey.

Mystery. Ambiguity. Paradox. Awe. Abyss. God.

I understand from where he comes spiritually.

My own journey has brought me to the same place.

Amidst all the mysteriously, ambiguous, paradoxical awe peering over the abyss...I have found Peace.

Some may call this Peace...God.

The name is not important.

What is bursting forth from my heart is what counts.

Unconditional Love for all beings.

Isn't that the lesson we spend our lifetimes learning?

How. To. Love. Everyone.

Including ourselves?

Baby Steps to Becoming Me

February 18, 2011

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” ~ Joseph Campbell

All right. This quote grabbed me today, amongst all the quotes, affirmations and stories that crossed my path. Not sure completely why. But I decided to hold it for awhile. Hmm, I always say I'm ready to surrender to life. To let go of my attachments to outcomes. But always, always lurking just out of mental reach is fear. Fear of surrender. The what ifs, right?! My back-up plans have to have back-up plans!

But over the past few years I've untangled the messy, twisted neural network of thoughts and feelings that has kept me blocked my entire life. My childhood wounds and consequent childhood adaptations created habits of thought that became so entrenched that my adult life was never my own. That is sobering. To fully grasp that I have made decisions that have been based on keeping me from the vulnerability of expressing my truest self. Really hard to face. I have worked through a significant amount of grief to heal what I have lost all these years. Some days are better than others in terms of acceptance.  So I guess when I look at that quote and consciously reflect on my fears of surrendering the life I've planned...I'm okay with the 'what ifs'. The unknown.

That old skin that I've begun to shed wasn't really me anyways now was it.  No. But the open, honest, "let's be real" person writing this blog is me. Spontaneous, loving, accepting? Yep, that is me too. Admittedly, it is strange, um uncomfortable, to describe myself in positive terms. Feels good though.

 Is it a process? I guess so. I've shed the old skin but I haven't completely surrendered control of the life I've planned. I am well on the way...I think. But not there. At least I don't feel fear of the 'what ifs'. Baby steps.