"It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living." -Eckhart Tolle
Probably a little fear of putting my thoughts and feelings 'out there'.
Yet I feel like the flow, the current, is shifting.
I'm feelin' more confident letting others see more of me.
Can be a mixed bag though. This change thing. There is tension to hold in the process.
Sittin' in that place somewhere between comfort and safety and new, wild energy.
Hard to hold. I vacillate between the two.
I'm experiencing these changes in attitude in some pretty big areas too.
Like my career as a nurse and where I live and the kind of friends I want to be around.
But it boils down pretty simply--I. have. changed. And the change is out there. The people in my daily life have noticed.
Okaaayyy.. Where does that leave me exactly?? It leaves me feeling like I am in a foreign land.
I have been traveling down this twisting, turning psychic highway for a very long time.
I've questioned everything I ever assumed to be true about me along the way.
And I have to say I was pretty darn tired of identifying with the persona I created over the years. The false self. The person that functioned well but doesn't even resemble me in the slightest way.
It's been like, 'hey, what if I just live and breathe in the moment instead of trying to BE something in that moment'. Especially something I'm not.
More and more I'm doin' it. I'm putting it all out there. Here I am...
But friends and family have other ideas. They expect me to be the Mary I have 'always been'. In both good and bad ways. Interesting.
I can't. As crazy as it sounds I don't even know how to do the old me too well anymore.
That's progress. I sense the change in energy. In the dynamics of my relationships.
Others' perception of me just doesn't jive with who I actually am.
It is making them uncomfortable. And they don't seem to get it.
This is me.
It's like the line at the end of the old TV show "To Tell the Truth"--Will the real Mary please stand up".
And when I do...well, just like the show, most everyone looks shocked!
All I can say is that it is coming from the most grounded, centered place. Deep.
Ultimately that is so much more meaningful than the comfort of my warm, fuzzy blanket--aka, the favorable opinion and acceptance of friends and family.
Plumbing the interior depths of me has brought forth exciting creativity. Painting, drawing, writing. In turn those very creative endeavors help to keep me connected to that source of wisdom. And they keep me sane!
I love my life. I am grateful for it.
But I love what is happening.
I'm goin' with it. It's me.
It feels good. It feels so right.
I am out of the comfort zone...feeling the anticipation, the hunger, the joy, the terror...and the peace.
The peace that comes from knowing I am enough and always have been.
It doesn't matter if I stumble. If I fail. I have always been and always will be enough.
That is a wonderful new interior space to dwell in!
No comments:
Post a Comment